Not a hero
by The most beautiful of lies
Summary: His 'friends', his 'family'. He lied to keep them safe, smiled to hide that he was broken beyond repair inside. Lied to Bookman to keep him off his back, pretended to be heartless when inside, he was a lost little child screaming for some one to love him! To just once hear those three little words and know them true beyond doubt...


_**I do not own D. Grey-man nor do I own the Lyrics of Hero by Skillet. Partially inspired by this song, mostly inspired by the High Queen of Angst's amazing story "I am machine".**_

_I'm just a step away**  
><strong>I'm just a breath away**  
><strong>Losin' my faith today**  
><strong>(Fallin' off the edge today)_

Sitting back against the rock at his back, Lavi sighed and ran a hand through his hair, ignoring the blood smeared across his forehead. Looking to his side, a sigh escaped his lips as he saw Leenalee once again out of her bed. Anger surged through him at her defiance. She was here of her own choice...as were the others dying in the field below them. All of the Exorcists and Finders chose this occupation. Maybe they didn't have a choice as to being born with Innocence, but the day a General approached them and offered them a place, they could have easily walked away! They had a choice where he had none...and yet they still chose to risk their lives and those of their 'friends'. He was standing on the tip of the knife of the whole thing and the only thing he could think of is how idiotic the Exorcists and Finders were...how foolish...

_I am just a man__  
><em>_Not superhuman__  
><em>_(I'm not superhuman)__  
><em>_Someone save me from the hate_

Just looking at all of them down there! Ants under his boot if he so chose to stomp on them for their naivety and stupid desperation! Time and again, they are beat down and time and again they rise. They're not going to be recognized...not written in the histories of the world and remembered. The names of the dead wont be remembered – just sent away as ashes on the wind and forgotten in the passage of time. Such was the fate for ones of their calling. As soon as they accepted their Innocence and who they were – they erased themselves from history. They would be forgotten forever...and he along with them.

_It's just another war__  
><em>_Just another family torn__  
><em>_(Falling from my faith today)__  
><em>_Just a step from the edge__  
><em>_Just another day in the world we live_

"Go lie down. They're safe, Leenalee...let Bookman heal your wounds. Keep an eye on her Panda, Would ya'?"

Before he heard what was said in response, Lavi pushed off the rock and took out his own Innocence. It was time for the machine to awaken and do his duty. Calling out for his Innocence to awaken, Lavi could feel himself become numb...dead inside. As he moved to crush an Akuma, the shot went off and Lavi knew with one hundred percent certainty, this was it. Before he could so much as swing his hammer or move, a finder shoved him out of the way, knocking him breathless. As the black stars rapidly worked their way over the mans exposed skin, the look Lavi gave him was far from what he expected...though he was not surprised. Humans were fickle and stupid creatures, their emotions controlling so wholly in their lives, they seemed to do odd things. Instead of fear or pain, what he saw was...joy. Instead of a scream, the last words he heard as the man pressed a locket into Lavi's cold hands was so completely unexpected, he was frozen.

"Tell my family I love them."

_I need a hero to save me now  
>I need a hero (save me now)<br>I need a hero to save my life  
>A hero'll save me (just in time) <em>

With one final whisper of breath, the man passed away, destroyed by the fire of an Akuma. Clenching his fist, Lavi was about to toss the locket away, something stayed his hand. His eyes stung as the realization hit him...this man had a family. A wife and possibly children. Maybe siblings that had children and wives or husbands of their own. All this time, the Finders were faceless beings...fodder for the Exorcists and the Black Order to use at their will...but this man had a family! Peoples lives were tied to his own, snuffed out in a blink of an eye...all because Lavi had stepped into the battle. If he had stayed above with Leenalee as he was told, then this man could've possibly lived! Instead the man had to be a hero and save Lavi. Tucking the locket into his pocket and making sure it would stay, Lavi stood and swung his hammer, green eyes dead, expression void of anything but emptiness.

A war needed to be fought. And so, he would fight.

_I've gotta fight today  
>To live another day<br>Speakin' my mind today  
>(My voice will be heard today) <em>

Blinking to clear his blurred vision, Lavi dragged in a ragged breath, a scream escaping as around him, three more Finders and an Exorcist fell to more Akuma. All around him, people were dying, dead hands reaching out and clinging to his weapon, feet, hands, anything within reach. Further hardening his heart, he pushed and softly kicked away the dead...there was nothing he could do for them.

When a man reached out and cried his name, Lavi found himself kneeling as if his own body moved on it's own. Holding the mans hand, once again he blinked away the blur from his vision, forcing himself to stillness as the man smiled and curled into himself like a child, his head in Lavi's lap.

"Even a Bookman can cry for the dead it seems..."

The man's final words cut him to the core. Dropping the man's hand, when he tried to stand, Lavi could feel a tightness in his chest, forcing him to his knees once again.

_I've gotta make a stand__  
><em>_But I am just a man__  
><em>_(I'm not superhuman)__  
><em>_My voice will be heard today_

In the few minutes since he'd joined the battle, two men had died at his feet while taking comfort in his presence. Never before had anyone done that...when it came to some one to comfort, they went to Leenalee, Allan or some one else...never to Lavi. Never to him. He wasn't meant to offer people comfort! All he was was a Bookman's apprentice! The only reason they were here was because some where down the road, some narcissistic idiot decided that history should be recorded and remembered. Depending on who you asked, it was said so mistakes would not be remade...if you asked him, humans were doing a fine job screwing up the world all on their own without history to guide them!

_I need a hero to save my life  
>I need a hero just in time<br>Save me just in time  
>Save me just in time<em>

Forcing himself to his knees, he angrily wiped away the tears that fell seemingly endless. If he lay on the ground much longer, he'd be done for, much like the ones before him. Forcing himself up with the help of his hammer, Lavi stumbled forwards. His every step felt weighed down. Like shackles tying him to earth. To humans. To the one place he hated with all of who he was. The fake smiles, the lies, the false hope. All of it was for them. His 'friends', his 'family'. He lied to keep them safe, smiled to hide that he was broken beyond repair inside. Lied to Bookman to keep him off his back, pretended to be heartless when inside, he was a lost little child screaming for some one to love him! To just once hear those three little words and know them true beyond doubt! 

_Who's gonna fight for what's right  
>Who's gonna help us survive<br>We're in the fight of our lives  
>(And we're not ready to die) <em>

As his knees gave out and he fell, his Innocence weapon fell to the ground beside him, hands limp at his side. Endless thoughts, feelings, memories ran through his mind. The many faces of the people he'd come to love. Bookman...Allan...Kamoui...Kanda...the scientists and Intelligence divisions...Miranda...Krory...Leenalee...

If he was to just lie here and give up – who would fight for them? Who would tell them that it was going to be okay, even when the world was at it's most darkest? If he was to lie here and give up...would they reach out and take his hand, help him up and into the real world? Slowly his hand reached out and clutched at air...desperately reaching for something that wasn't there...desperately reaching for some one to hold his hand and help him stand...

_Who's gonna fight for the weak__  
><em>_Who's gonna make 'em believe__  
><em>_I've got a hero (I've got a hero)__  
><em>_Livin' in me_

The seconds ticked by as his hand hung there suspended and empty. The hope he could feel rising deep inside crushed. It felt like a weight was put on his shoulders so heavy, he couldn't rise. As Lavi looked around, he could see the dead, dying and wounded. He could see his friends...the people he loved. All of them needed him! They needed him at their sides to fight and protect them! They believed in him, the very least he could do was stand and believe in them!

_I'm gonna fight for what's right  
>Today I'm speaking my mind<br>And if it kills me tonight  
>(I will be ready to die) <em>

Once again gathering his strength, Lavi slowly forced himself to his feet, his body screaming in agony, tears still streaming down his cheeks. As he stood, gasping for breath, he could feel himself shiver almost beyond control. The whole of this was so ridiculous! This was nothing! Through out his life as a Bookman's apprentice, he'd read about situations far worse then this...hell, he'd lived situations worse then this! Never before had he let the moment get to him. Never before had he let the realization break through that he did indeed have a heart...that he loved his friends whom he considered family. Once he thought it a weakness but as he stood here, instead of weakness, he felt strength at the thought. The people he fought for, they fought just as hard, if not more so...for him.

_A hero's not afraid to give his life  
>A hero's gonna save me just in time <em>

As Lavi stepped forward, he could already feel the fear trying to overwhelm him. He was no hero...that was obvious with every step. Already he had the blood of his friends on his hands...his hesitation and refusal to fight amongst and beside the humans he once naively thought of as stupid and pointless to live for...all he wanted to do was turn around and run. Hide among the histories and books in the back of the library. This wasn't his war! He didn't have a choice to come here! Yet here he stood, bleeding and breathless as Bookman sat on the hill, healing the wounded...as his family bled and died all because faceless Generals ordered it. Where were they then, hm?! Why weren't they out here bleeding and dying? Instead they stand in the back of the war, like sadistic puppeteers controlling their pawns. Living breathing pawns! People with families, lives and dreams! People with hopes and fears, courage to fight despite the fear! All because they trusted their superiors and their supposed goals they fought for!

_I need a hero  
>Who's gonna fight for what's right<br>Who's gonna help us survive _

Forcing his legs to run, Lavi charged towards a group of Akuma, calling upon his fire seal to char and burn anything in its wake, praying his allies had the sense to get the hell out of the way. A sense of satisfaction filled him as he saw the charred and burned bodies of Akuma dissolve into ashes because of his fire. Let the bastards burn and rot in hell for all he cared! His side had been chosen for him but he alone chose to fight! He alone chose to let others into his heart and love them – even if it had to be in secret. Even if he had to protect them from the shadows. With certainty far beyond the shadows of doubt, he knew he would die for these Exorcists and Finders before, beside and behind him.

_I need a hero  
>Who's gonna fight for the weak<br>Who's gonna make 'em believe  
>I need a hero<br>I need a hero _

This world needed hero's like Allan, Leenalee, Miranda...the countless others who fought in the field, Exorcist and Finder alike. Every person had his or her role in this lot and all of them were needed. Swinging his hammer around in a wide arc, he smashed two more Akuma. As a blast knocked him to his feet, the last of his energy was spent on standing. Leaning on his hammer, he lay his head on his arms and forced himself to calm. Already the wall of Akuma were so thin, it would only need a few Exorcists to defeat it...already they were moving into position to do so. Letting himself go, the world around him seemed to fall to silence except for one agonizing scream so loud, he could feel his heart tear to shreds. As fatigue claimed him, Lavi let himself fall to the hard ground and curl into himself. He'd done his best...for them he'd played hero as did they for him.

_A hero's gonna save me just in time _

As Allan and Leenalee helped him to his feet...it was then that Lavi realized it. The one who was screaming...was him...


End file.
